RANT/RAVE (Week of Apr. 30)

Naked aggression
I escaped from the noise of downtown to a quiet, sunny corner of Wreck Beach for some peace in nature. My favourite time of year — the air is crisp, and no summer drug pushers. Then two losers who can hardly walk stagger onto the scene, shouting every obscenity I have ever heard at each other. How can we get these brain-fried welfare scumbags off our beaches and out of our parks? I have been to naturist beaches all around the world, and this is the only one where we have to deal with these rats!
Lewis

Brush with celebrity
Having read in the newspapers and watched on TV and the internet over the last couple of weeks about the U.K. singing sensation Susan Boyle, I thought I might let some people know that I was actually in the same acting class as Susan Boyle way back in 1994. She was at the Edinburgh Acting School the same time I was there. I remember the times very vividly, and, in my opinion, the acting teacher did her best to shun and ignore Susan. This had a nasty knock-on effect with the other students in the class, who stigmatized Susan as a weirdo, much like the prejudice she was subjected to by Simon Cowell, et al, before she blew them away with her recent performance. Susan was also not given a role in the school’s pantomime that year. The teacher confided in me that Susan was too disruptive to the rest of the cast during rehearsals. In short, she suggested to me that Susan was mentally unbalanced... And Susan’s audition for the pantomime was — yes, you guessed it — she sang a song and did a dance.
Rhoddy

Leaving one’s mark
It appears that there are more people in Vancouver with tattoos than anywhere else in Canada. I see more spitting in one day in Vancouver than you will see in a month in any other Canadian city. I wonder if there’s a correlation between all these people with tattoos and all the disgusting spitting, which shows disrespect for our city and all of us.
Anonymous Rantline caller

Begging for it
Am I the only one that’s irked by the aggressive panhandler that’s working Robson and Denman Streets and the Seawall? The one who, in a loud voice, says, “Can I ask you a question? I’m not from here.” This scruffy-looking bearded guy is a disgrace to the city, and preys on tourists and locals alike. If you don’t listen to him, you get a “Fuck you!” for being unsympathetic. This guy has been here for at least six years, and followed me down the street one Christmas Day, yelling and cursing because I wouldn’t listen to him. Please do not give this cretin money. It’s time he was threatened — with the police.
Threatened in the West End

A helping hand
Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate! Stupid behaviour can be prevented in men by masturbating. Perhaps in women also, but I’m not a woman. If men masturbate more, they will not make so many bad decisions, because when you need to come, when you need sex, you tend to just drive with this insanity that can take over. Try not masturbating for two weeks — you’ll understand what I mean.
Anonymous Rantline caller

A long, hard loaf
This is for the asshole who laughed in my face when I asked for a loaf of dill-dough bread at my local organic specialty bakers. Is it all about sex, you immature wanker?
Steve